Posted on by Mama Musings

things change so much

Things change so much, right?

…and so quickly, I type.

(discussing you with Ozzi’s Mom.)

although it happens over time,

gradually.

it feels fast though.

suddenly,

you don’t really nap.

a huge shift,

but it was happening slowly.

we were moving towards it,

I suppose.  

then one day

we reached a destination,

leaving an old pattern behind.

like growing out of an old coat,

shedding a skin,

shaking off sand after a day at the beach.

something we did

every. single. day

now forgotten completely,

shifted,

shrugged off. 

imperceptible yet very, very

significant.

this is parenthood.

this is raising a child.

this is happening in real time.

this is life.

things change so much, right?

Posted on by Mama Musings

Thank You

Everything that came before you was just a dream.
Or did the dream start when you were born?
If someone had asked me, before I had you
I would have said, ‘I am full. It’s a full life and I am fulfilled.’
I remember those early days in Bangkok writing, 
What am I doing here trying to have these new experiences?
I have already had all the experiences. I should just go home.
Ha. I was thirty-three. What did I know.
I hadn’t met your father yet. Or Buddha. 
I hadn’t woken alone in my tiny hut surrounded by mist and mountains, 
desiring nothing.
Still, these days I catch myself inhaling,
These are the best days of my life,
my chin resting atop your head watching gulls over Professor’s Lake.
These days I catch myself exhaling,
There is no greater moment than this,
as I race alongside you on the path from the park to our home
every evening wondering if I have ever been as full
as I feel in that moment. 
I catch myself holding you closer, 
as you climb onto my lap to eat dinner.
I catch myself whispering, 
Thank you.
I will hold on to this moment.
There is a knowing that I feel,
that these years belong to us,
to me and you, 
a mother and her son.
Everything that came before you was just a dream,
perhaps,
and everything after
my dream come true.
Posted on by Mama Musings

single mom

i avoid the term
resisting labelling
insisting we’re the same
i’m just a mom, i say
just like the other moms
we bear so much alone
the ones who grow and birth
the ones who wake to nurse
i want to feel united
us moms, and not divided
we are the ones who stay
at home and play all day
who don’t drink coffee hot
or pee alone a lot

yet …

if i stop to sit
and just consider it
it’s really simple math
i’m here without a half
a set of extra hands
lunch hit the floor again
a “honey, could you get…”
dinner’s not ready yet
i need another heart
when mine’s falling apart
someone to share the blame
made a mistake again
someone to worry with
help lift the load a bit
talk a decision out
so much to think about
to share a memory
i’ll reach capacity
just hold this for one sec
i’ve got it, take a rest
here sweetie need a hug?
leave that food on the stove
why don’t you take a shower
or maybe just lay down
there’s no one here to say
hey hon, great job today. 

so please don’t get me wrong
you see us being strong
just like the other moms
rocking and singing songs 
yes, at times, it does feel
the world is at my heels

and ‘cause it’s always been
i just shrug off that term
but yes, there’s only one 
here,
that’s me
one 
single mom.