this afternoon i am astonished by the length of your limbs as you sleep.
time marked by new words and phrases, all spoken in your tiny but mighty voice. new seasons of wind and heat, your sudden ability to withstand the waves.
we are here only a moment, like the sand we form into volcanoes to watch dissolve in the water or better yet watch crumble under your feet.
some days we flow like the river without the rocks some days are more turbulent.
my hope is always that you feel seen even as my mind races to make decisions about dinner and where in this big beautiful world we should call home.
we’ve just arrived, i will say, in each new country. nothing is constant, i will say, in each new town.
your home will always be your hand in mine, your head on my shoulder, you in my arms.
later, i will explain to you that you carry this tremendous love inside you. home doesn’t come from a place belongings or a piece of land.
home is where you came from home is where you will go back to.
for now those soft green hills that crayola blue sky this gold shimmering sea provide the palate of your second year.
these fleeting but forever days where i am in perpetual awe of you and you, my unwavering reminder of all that is fleeting and forever.
for all that is unending there is another which must be temporary.
save for one for now and until forever, i will be your home.
don’t you want to?
they ask
don’t you miss going out?
don’t you worry?
they wonder
always being left out?
aren’t you lonely?
they guess
just you two all day long?
aren’t you bored?
they suspect
don’t the days just drag on?
you could try …
they start listing
all the things i could do
:
with his Grandma?
maybe daycare?
take some time ‘just for you’
well-intentioned
their suggestions
simple things ‘would be good’
good for whom?
is my question
are these small simple 'shoulds'
good for him?
or for me?
whose idea of ‘good’?
never thinking
if I wanted
then i easily could
but my answer
is the weight
of his head on my chest
my boy sleeping
his soft breathing
and no care for the rest
it’s true what they say
you won’t know this love
until you have one of your own
how can i tell you
the nights i couldn’t sleep
my belly round and full
about to burst
each felt like Christmas Eve
days i sat at my desk
an empty studio
and wrote your name
over and over
and over again
i feel i conjured and whispered
you up out of wishes
magic and dust and
electric blue light
you’re made of music, mountains and the
breeze, baby
the first night i held you in the hospital
i didn’t sleep
i held you and watched you, transfixed
i felt your breath against my cheek and
wondered
how i breathed life into something so perfect
how you could go from a whisper
a dream
a name scrawled in my notebook
anticipation and wonder
to flesh and bone
spirit and stardust
one day i will tell you in a song
a poem perhaps
i will write you the love i feel
have felt
since the moment i held you in my belly
since the moment i held you in my arms
since the moment you came to be
you are a part of everything
we have never been separate
you came into this world
out of my womb
and it still feels like Christmas
My darling child, as I watch your sweet face
Peaceful and sleeping, each detail I trace.
These tender moments, the end of each day,
I whisper quiet wishes as you drift far away.
I don’t say, ‘be strong’ darling, for you already are
I won’t say ‘be good’ either, or ‘don’t stray too far’.
I won’t whisper to you all my ‘secrets to living’,
Nor will I tell you ‘be selfless, be kind and forgiving’.
For I believe in your goodness, I’ve seen it from the start
That goodness comes naturally, as your wide-open heart.
Generosity, kindness and gentleness too
These are natural states, expressed clearly through you.
See, I am not here to teach you, you’re here to teach me,
Remind me of who I am, remind me to Just Be.
Your vision is clear, and your spirit is free,
Like you came here to remind your Mama how to see.
Your raw, unadulterated joy brings out mine
Your awareness and attention make mine more refined.
You remind me of all those things I am not,
And you show me the truths that I somehow forgot.
I won’t wish for one moment, that you see things like me
And I won’t waste one wish teaching you how to 'be'.
Your superior wisdom, unencumbered mind,
Pure expressions and emotions not conditioned like mine.
So,
my darling child, as I watch your sweet face
Peaceful and sleeping, each detail I trace.
These tender moments, at the end of each day,
I whisper quiet wishes as you drift far away:
You are safe, you are loved, this whole world is your home
You take my love with you, wherever you roam.
We will never be separate, I whisper in your ear
I am always beside you; I am always right here.
Carry this with you, as you start each new day
You are already perfect, in every way.
You are sunshine & magic, my love through and through
And you have everything you’ll ever need inside you.
mama musings 