remind me later how you looked as you slept the night before you turned five. your face still resembling the baby you were a few short years ago. remind me how you fought to keep the TV on longer, though it was way past your bedtime already. remind me how it felt when you ran up the driveway earlier that day to greet me after i'd been out buying ingredients for your birthday cake; you running full speed, grinning and throwing yourself into my outstretched arms. remind me how you asked, even though i'll be five soon Mom, you can still pick me up, right? how it stung my eyes as i smiled and replied, of course. remind me how your almost five-year-old body looked this summer, diving down to the deep end of our pool, how exhilarating it was watching you learn how to swim. remind me how you carried your stuffed cub the mountain lion with you everywhere. how excited you'd get about the things you loved. remind me, remind me, remind me. as i crawl into bed with you, my nearly five-year-old, i will press these moments into my mind as i would flowers between the pages of a thick book. to find later, scattered gingerly when the book is re-opened, yet kept so beautifully despite the passage of time. a wonderful discovery of a moment, a burst of life both fragile and true, and the loveliest, oh so sweetest reminder of these wildflower summer days. summer days, and you my wildflower.
We are currents in motion right now, my love. We are at sea, and there is a storm. We are the river, but we are also the rocks. Simply remove the rocks and the river will flow smoothly. Easy, right? But, it’s turbulent now. We’re in-between and in-between isn’t here or there, is it? I remind myself: life is always this way. Only, sometimes we flow with it. Sometimes, we dance with it. Other times, it feels more mechanical and awkward. Like a toddler beginning to walk. Like when the training wheels come off, or the house lights come on. I'm here, I'm meant to be the captain, but I'm lost in this storm. Maybe I am the storm. At night, as you tuck your head just beneath my chin and I begin a storybook about where trains sleep, I remember that nothing lasts. Nothing lasts — including storms, times of transition, or these blink-and-you-miss-them early days of your almost five-year-old life. To be tucked in together like this is the greatest gift on earth. So, I vow to move the rocks. And I try not to blink.
i. picking you up from playschool the immense joy in each step present moment exhilaration it is so clear i was placed on this earth to receive you.
ii. there are so many incredible moments beautiful nanoseconds with you that swell my heart sting my eyes catch my breath in my throat. this one, today — it's for you Mommy, i made you a rainbow.
you are three-and-a-half and just perfectly so my simplest requests usually met by your no you are testing each limit and pushing them too each boundary i set has to stand up to you you assert yourself daily needing to be heard losing your patience should i miss a word tidal waves and tsunamis of emotions blow in second later, clear skies and your megawatt grin you are just as you should be you are perfectly you a marvelous display a toddler through and through i would not change a thing have it some other way each milestone you leap over each turbulent day and oh, how I loved you when you were two but there’s so much you do now then, you couldn’t do and oh, how I loved you when you were one but you won’t hear me saying that one was more fun each new year brings new magic and a new little you think i can’t love you more then with each year, i do you are three-and-a half and just perfectly so you’re here showin’ Mama how to let go how to just be see i’m learning you know! you are changing so much, i love watching you grow. you are three-and-a-half, and just perfectly so.
i am the name you exhale in your sleep.
a comforting place
and a promise i’ll keep.
i’m a shout, i’m a whisper,
a plea, a demand.
the one always waiting as you reach out your hand.
if you’re proud
or afraid
or you just want to share;
any way that you say it, my attention is there.
i’m the place you are heading
and where you started from.
for now and forever
the one you call Mom.
mama musings 