this summer you can swim
like a fish
i watch you dive to depths twice your size
recall that feeling, that freedom
that thrill
i watch you ride your bicycle
more of a race than a ride, really
pedaling as fast as your little legs can take you
tearing through the trails behind our house
i think about the space between us
now
a space where there was none
for five years, my little shadow
at my heels even as i make coffee
i just want to be where you are, mom
they say having a child is like having your heart walk around
outside your body
more like my stomach or my guts out there
my stomach churning with excitement 
as my feet pump the pedals of my bike
my guts tightening and contracting 
as i slam on the brakes with all my might
my lungs down there in the deep end
trying to hold my breath
and i wonder if this is the beginning
yes, it must be the beginning
of the space between us
as you  – my heart, my lungs, my stomach and my guts  – begin to move in all directions
all these new ways of moving
your body
my body
our body 
your body
all the while a quiet whisper
slow down, caught in my throat
there used to be no space between us
i mean, zero space between us 
i just want to be where you are, mom
i’m not ready for my heart to walk around in this world without me
is a mother ever ready?
ever ready
to live without her little heartbeat?