those first weeks of motherhood 
rocking and nursing
nursing and rocking
up and down and
down and up
body aching 
adjusting to 
the tiniest infant
(later,
you will smile 
to recall this
as you effortlessly 
carry your toddler 
in one arm)
but those early days
even my first attempt at
you are my sunshine
ended in tears
the tenderness of the song
reached some equally tender place
in my new mama heart
(it would later
become a favourite)
how many times did i sing you that song?
and Raffi, 
Everything Grows,
then,
This Little Light of Mine, 
even James Vincent McMorrow
if this is redemption
why do i bother at all
Bob Marley lullabies
and John Denver
Annie’s Song
rocking and nursing
nursing and rocking
up and down and 
down and up
and then,
last night i asked you
can i sing you a special song before bed?
you lay your head on my shoulder
you are my sunshine
my baby sunshine…
i started
your bigger toddler body in my arms
your little face in my neck
after only a few lines you pointed to the bed
i miss rocking you to sleep
i confessed as i lay you down
that tender place
in my mama heart
pulled a little
my eyes stung
i pulled you in close
like i could keep you small
in my arms that way forever
grateful for all those nights
oh so many nights
rocking and nursing
nursing and rocking
up and down and 
down and up
and now
like every milestone moment
there was a last time
i blinked and 
i will never rock my baby to sleep again
just like that
that version of us is behind us
someplace
in a song lyric i sang
in the strength of my arms
and your little growing heart space
within us
behind us
and gone.